Nothing As it Seems: An Account of Depression and Survival

There have been multiple interpretations of the word ‘suicide’ throughout history. There was an era when suicide was associated with the utmost weakness possible. The ones committing suicide were bashed by society and their families alienated forever. The reasons for committing suicide were seen to be straightforward- breakups, divorces, downsizing, etc.

Death of Sushant Singh Rajput

The death of Sushant Singh Rajput hit Indians hard. Since the onset of coronavirus and the lockdown, we have all been trying to get used to the idea of living alone. Amidst this, reading about a beloved actor with a promising career ahead, felt like a punch in the gut. His smile had enthralled young and the old alike, his heart-warming acting and his everyday persona inspired fellow actors to step into the world of glamour themselves.

People’s Reception

But what surprised the generation truly was the way the social media engulfed this tragedy and swallowed it as a whole. For a while now, mental health has been observed more closely and is being acknowledged by our community. People have been stepping up to try to empathize with the circumstances one must have committed suicide in. There are mental health supporters in every other post you see. But who is on point? Is depression as simple as it seems to be?

Gauging the Causes

One cannot decipher the causes of depression in black and white. Do you ever know what is going on in the other person’s mind? Us humans have this absurd ability to define lines and boundaries. Right and wrong, true and false; it is neither this way nor that way. One cannot assume that one person’s truth is another person’s lie. Things change from perspective, from where you are standing, whose shoes are you filling in. So if you asked a depressed person the reason they are depressed for, their mind instantly prepares for an impending implosion. If they knew this simple answer, assuming it was only one thing that led them to be depressed, they would not be in this situation at all.

The Process

It starts as nothing, like an itch inside your brain, something you are trying to get over. A thing you are trying to let go of, a thing you yearn for. It is a minuscule thing that seems so easy in the world, you look around and see that it is everywhere. And you work hard on it, you work hard on yourself to get over it, you work hard to achieve it; you are there right in the zone, so close to that awaited glory but you blink an eye and a new thing hits you, out of nowhere. This new thing is unanticipated, unprecedented. You had no idea it could happen, else you would have prepared for it. This new thing disrupts your entire process of dealing with your old thing. And you have to start over.

How and Why?

The starting over is overwhelming. How did you make it this far? Can you make it even further? You try not to think about it and get back on to the management of emotions. All the things have combined now, you feel extremely confused and while you try to take the next step, something else hits you. That was it, that was rock bottom. You feel like you are falling through a pit of haze, and mind you, it is not darkness, it just a big blur. It is your world but it is so blurry, you cannot understand how or why.

The Dilemma

Now you want to turn to someone, tell them your woes but at the same time, you do not want to trouble them either. Will they understand? Will they look down upon you? Label you as weak, but it was nothing from their perspective, but for you, it was a culmination of a bunch of small things that made it harder for you to breathe. Harder for you to want to get out of bed. You feel like you are losing yourself now, the things you loved do not bring you much pleasure. Although you opened up to a friend, they asked you to do the things you loved. But do you love anything? Did you ever? Do you love yourself?


You have all the questions and none of the answers. Instead of going to get more help, maybe professionally, you learn to live with it. You fake it till you make it until you just cannot. And you leave your loved ones behind. But your life is not yours to take, you do not get permission to do so. You cannot know who cares about you until you let them in this chaotic mind of yours. They will all shield you from the pain if you just let them. They will fight your wars with you and mourn over the losses with you. You do not need to have all the answers, some questions are best left unanswered.

Nothing As it Seems

With our society changing, people changing the way they perceive mental health issues and acknowledging the truth about, ‘Nothing is as it seems‘ you have all the help you need if you want. But you have to want it. You have to go out there and be the brave person that you always have been instead of believing the negative ones who do not understand the depth of your emotions. One phone call to the therapist, one to your friend and one to a family member can stop you from running away.


The world is sick and sad but in the end, all we have are the connections we make and the people we live for.


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Noopoor Misal